Someone cheated…

In my work as a therapist I have developed a special interest in working with couples.  Due to this interest I have worked with many couples over the years who are struggling with figuring out what to do after an affair. It is not an easy process.

If you are reading this, most likely you have been involved on one side of an affair.  Maybe you are the injured partner who is trying to decide what to do next.  Maybe you are the partner who had the affair and are trying to figure out what you want.  Which ever side you fall on, I hope you find some of this information helpful.

My first piece of advice is to take a deep breath.  Nothing has to be decided right now. You have time to think.  You have time to talk.  You have time to process.  You do not have to make a decision on anything right now.  Give yourself some time.

Statistics

• 90% of married adults in the United States EXPECT monogamy
• 25% of men will engage in extramarital sex at some point*
• 15% of woman will experience extramarital sex*

* These numbers increase when considering emotional affairs.

• Living in larger cities increase the odd that a partner will have an affair
• Infidelity is more common with the young. Twice as many cases of infidelity were reported among those aged 18-30 when compared with over the age of 50
• According to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, infidelity is the catalyst for approximately 50% of couples who seek counseling; it is not the number one reason for divorce.  Meaning many people choose to continue to work on their relationships after having/discovering an affair.

Types of Infidelity

According to dictionary.com, infidelity is defined as “the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner.” The difficult part is that everyone has their own ideas of what it means to be “unfaithful”. One definition is that “an affair is a secret that one partner has to the exclusion of the other.”

Sexual Affairs involve having a sexual or physical relationship with someone other than your partner.  This is the most widely excepted form of infidelity.  A sexual affair includes everything from one physical indiscretion to multiple sexual acts with multiple people.

Emotional Affairs refers to one partner engaging in a relationship that fosters emotional intimacy with someone else.  Many times people in emotional affairs maintain secret or semi-secret friendships that involve a mutual interest or attraction. The connection is not sexually based but these types of relationships can increase the possibility of a sexual affair.

Online Affairs can be a combination of sexual and emotional connections.  Internet infidelity can involve intimate chat sessions or sexually stimulating conversations. With the internet being at your finger tips, people participating in online affairs can be messaging while in the same room as their partners.  For some people, the fact that the interactions only occur online can make them feel more innocent..

For many the feelings of betrayal can occur without a sexual or emotional affair.  Other forms of betrayal are often minimized but can be just a damaging.  These can include: lying, withdrawal, disrespect, unfairness, and breaking promises.

One way to think of what it means to have an affair is to consider this definition.  An affair is anytime we allow someone else to meet our needs that should be reserved for our spouse or we meet someone else’s needs instead of meeting our spouse’s. 

What causes infidelity?

It is important for relationships to have stability and security, physical and emotional intimacy and companionship.  If a relationship is lacking in one of these areas, one or more partners are likely to feel dissatisfied, this increases the risk of being unfaithful

Relationship dissatisfaction is not the only reason why a partner may enter into an affair.  Personal dissatisfaction or low self-esteem can lead to an individual seeking a relationship as a form of personal gratification or an ego boost.  Individual issues such as depression and sex addiction can also contribute to seeking out someone other than your partner.  A person may try to avoid problems or difficulties in their current relationship or even use an affair as a way to end a relationship.

I didn’t mean for it to happen

A new crisis of infidelity is emerging in which people who never intended to be unfaithful are unwittingly crossing the line from platonic friendships into romantic relationships, especially in the workplace and on the internet.  Sometimes the marital history is re-written to justify an ongoing affair. Consider these differences:

What is the difference between platonic friends and an emotional affair?

• Emotional affairs have more emotional intimacy than your marriage
• They involve secrecy and deception from your spouse
• You experience sexual chemistry

Relationship levels

There are 3 levels of relationships. A professional relationship is a relationship that you have with people in the work place.  In these you rarely share large amounts of personal information and the conversations and interactions are related to work or business.  In neighborly relationships you have establish platonic friendships.  In these types of relationships you can talk on a more personal level. A personal/intimate relationship is a relationship that you have with a spouse or partner.  In this relationship sharing is very important.  Support and working to meet each other’s needs is a priority.

Path to infidelity

It is rare for a partner to turn into a cheater over night.  They head down a path, slowly and undetected.  Here is example of what that path may look like.

• It begins with the tendency to turn away and ignore your partner’s emotions due to a variety of reasons.
• These unresolved incidents, or negative encounters begin to pile up. Humans are almost twice as likely to recall unresolved issues as arguments that have been resolved. The hurt remains accessible in our memory and available to be rehashed again and again. This leads to an increase in negative attitudes and beliefs towards your partner.
• Due to all of the negative attitudes and beliefs you become dismissive of each other’s feelings and experience difficulty feeling and showing compassion for each other.
• Slowly you begin to keep dissatisfactions a secret. You are hoping to avoid conflict, but it actually causes more distrust and prevents movement in a positive direction. I sometimes refer to this time as “walking on egg shells”.
• Partners are now adversaries and working against one another.
• The relationship is no longer sacred and no one is willing to put it first.

This is not everyone’s path, but it is more common than many people think. This trajectory can lead a couple to infidelity so slowly that they may be shocked where they end up. It is important to realize you can only give your heart to one person, so if you are giving it to someone else you cannot continue to give it to your spouse.

What does this mean?

There is not one answer to the question what does this mean.  Some couples stay together after an affair, while other separate or divorce. I have seen couples come through the chaos to be stronger and more genuine partners.  In some cases one spouse wants to make it work, while the other is ambivalent.  The rest of this article will look at the impact infidelity has on the individuals and how couples can find their way back to each other.  I understand that not everyone wants to remain in a relationship after an affair.  My goal is to give you an idea of what it could look like and tips to make it more manageable.

Discovery

It is common for both spouses to experience depression, anxiety and a profound sense of loss after the discovery of an affair

The injured partner

It is important to understand that the discovery of an affair is experienced as a trauma to the betrayed partner.  They experience shock and emotional trauma.  They may experience anger, hopelessness, and a desire for revenge. Individuals may even experience reactions similar to victims of catastrophic events. Post-traumatic stress symptoms may include flashbacks, intrusive images, hyper arousal, obsession over the details, and feelings of loss. Continuously going over the events gives the hurt spouse a sense of control.

There are many questions regarding who, what, where, when, and the biggest question WHY?. This is a confusing time and decisions are difficult.  An initial reaction may seem correct at the time but upon reflection may not be what a person wants.  It is important for you to know that whether you stay in the relationship or leave, you are not weak.  There isn’t an easy option here. It is difficult to think clearly during this time.

Not only do you question your partner’s actions, you question your own.  Those who had the greatest trust or were the most unsuspecting struggle the most with this.  It may feel as if your entire relationship was a lie or that your image for the future has been shattered.

Other reactions include:

1. Freaking out: Everyone experiences trauma differently because of that everyone’s “freak out” moments vary. An intense emotional or physical response is common.
2. Assume the worst
3. Snoop and spy: Striving to get every last detail a partner may begin looking at phone bills, credit card statements, and internet history. They may follow their spouse to verify information given
4. Police and interrogate: Interrogation goes along with need to know every detail and have a sense of control. Policing your spouse involves setting rules and boundaries and then checking to make sure they are not doing behaviors that have been restricted.

Person having an affair

In most cases the partner who is participating in an affair knows that it is wrong and experience feelings of guilt and shame over it. This is a confusing time for the other spouse as well.  They are often unsure of what they want and are struggling with deciding what they want the future to look like.

There are many fears and anxieties that come up during this time. One major fear is that they are going to lose their family.  They may also worry that if they try to make this relationship work that they will always be punished for their actions.

It may be difficult to relive the details of an affair over and over with the hurt partner.  You may feel as if you will never be able to move on and put the past behind you.  That makes situations feel hopeless and when we feel hopeless sometimes it feels easier to shut down.  This is especially common in couples who had fallen into that pattern before the affair occurred.  What is familiar is comfortable but not always productive.

A spouse’s spying or policing may push a person into feeling the need to defend themselves.  The truth is that the hurt partner doesn’t know what to believe but their spouse may feel like they are constantly blamed and targeted.

The injured partner’s need to talk goes against the other partners desire to forget.  This can easily lead to distance and conflict.  It is up to both partners to make a commitment to some ground rules.

Managing the chaos – Ground Rules

Upon discovery the relationship goes into a place of chaos and uncertainty.  The partner who participated in the affair and the hurt partner must have some ground rules to help calm the situation

1. All contact with the third person needs to be over.

• This includes in person or electronically.
• Closure is not necessary and the couple does not owe anything to the third person.
• If they work together the partner must do everything in their power to limit contact.

2. The affair can be discussed and the injured partner may ask questions.

• It is important that this is done as a conversation and if tempers start to flare you end the conversation.
• Focus on asking the what, when, where, how, DO NOT ASK WHY. The truth is that they probably don’t know why.

3. No secrets.

• If the third party reaches out to either member of the couple, it is discussed immediately.
• Both spouses are informed if they see, talk to, or are contacted by the third party.
• This needs to be voluntary, and both parties must be willing to do this.

4. Any mementos are destroyed.

• Everything including contact numbers and emails, pictures, presents, cards, etc.
• An open discussion is held about the items while being disposed of.
• The hurt partner does not copy, read, study, or memorize emails, texts, or cards.

5. No Snooping

• If either party catches themselves snooping they need to come clean to the other partner.
• Preferably they would go to that partner before they snoop and have a discussion about the temptation check up.

Start to have Conversations

The next piece is to begin to have conversations that will set you on a path of healing.  The first conversations that need to be had are ones about the past.  The injured partner is going to need to ask questions about the affair.  Remember to have these be conversations, without anger.  If anger or other emotions begin to take over, it is time for a break.  Stick to talking about the who, what, when, and where.  No questions of why.  No discussing sexual techniques or asking for comparisons between the third party and the partner.

During these conversations the insured partner is going to express sadness and hurt.  It is important for their partner to comfort them and listen.  It is difficult to relive our mistakes but this is what the injured partner needs right now.

Next the partners need to talk about their lives.  You must let each other know more about what is going on in your lives that ever before.  You need to be accountable to each other about time, money, the relationship, and each other’s emotions.  When what you say matches what you do and you are accountable, over time more trust can be rebuilt.

Enhance your relationship

Talking about the affair and expressing your feelings is not the only piece of the puzzle.  We also need to look at your relationship foundation and build it up.  Enhancing it and making it stronger.  Some of the best ways to do that is to build rituals together.  Rituals are things that you can count on to feel connected to each other.  Here are some examples

1. Daily Rituals: Talk about your day, talk about kids, schedules, meals chores, casual hugs, kisses, cuddling, greetings, goodbyes
2. Weekly Rituals: Regular date night, set family time (popcorn and a movie, family game night), time to make love, set time for chores
3. Monthly Rituals: Special date, family time away from home, 1 day house project
4. Yearly Rituals: Regular traditions around anniversary or holidays, 2-3 night mini vacation

Recovering from an affair is a slow process.  Time is a necessary piece that can’t be ignored.  Time allows trust to grow.  Time allows confidence to return.  Time allows us to access our decisions and move forward. 

Finally consider attending counseling with a professional.  This is a difficult process and it is easy to get swallowed up by your own feelings.  It is sometimes necessary to have an outside prospective to help.  It can also be a lonely time because many people do not discuss affairs with their friends or family.  Having a resource, like a professional who specializes in working with couples, can give you somewhere to express yourself and feel heard.